Avenue - H.E.R. vibes

I liked you better on the first date

I shoulda said what's wrong in the first place
I don't 'cause you always takin' it the wrong way
You won't listen you're too busy playin' 2K
I always been down but you still asleep
And even though I said that night I shouldn't been peaked
I feel it in my soul yeah it's so deep
So deep you should know that about me

I just turned, just turned down your avenue
I had to but I'm mad at you
You always say I gotta attitude
But that's you, you was actin' rude
I had to ask you if you had a few
'Cause you always say I gotta attitude, oh

Why you talkin' to me like, you be like
Why you always wanna be right?
Oh, I just need the time that you can't find
I just need to know that it's still mine
And the way that you can't say my name don't seem right
But I know when to go and to stop at the green light

I just turned, just turned down your avenue
I had to but I'm mad at you
You always say I gotta attitude, oh
But that's you, you was actin' rude
I had to ask you if you had a few
'Cause you always say I gotta attitude, oh

So I'm the one that set a place
I'm the one that's in the way
I'll communicate
I'm so spoiled
So I'm the one that need a break
Like you ain't stay in my place
But you're the one who came home late
And I ain't loyal

That's you, yeah, that's you, that's you, yeah, that's you

I just turned down your avenue, yeah
You always say I gotta attitude
I just turned, just turned down your avenue
I had to but I'm mad at you
You always say I gotta attitude, oh

But that's you, you was actin' rude
I had to ask you if you had a few
'Cause you always say I gotta attitude, oh
Attitude, oh
that's you, you was actin' rude
You always say I gotta attitude, yeah yeah yeah
Just turning

Pregnant Body Politics

Unsure what the balance held

I touched my belly overwhelmed
by what I had been chosen to perform
but then an angel came one day
told me to kneel down and pray
for unto me a man-child would be born
woe this crazy circumstance
I knew his life deserved a chance
but everybody told me to be smart
'look at your career,' they said
'Lauryn baby use your head.'
but instead i chose to use my heart...

My first pregnancy has been life changing, giving me a peace I have never before had. I remember the first time that I heard these lyrics. I was 12. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill was the first cd I had ever purchased and with my own hoarded lunch money. I remember loving it then, and I sit here nearly 20 years later and I still love this classic album.  I recite these  lyrics in my head, now a 31 year old first time mother to be. But one line in particular speaks to me differently than before:

     "'look at your career,' they said [...] use your head.' but instead I chose to use my heart."

I find myself in these internal crosshairs, frequently needing shelter from "they sayers" and the peanut gallery of know-it-alls...

From the time I was 6 or 7 years old I was aware of my body and although I was not yet in the world sexually, the world somehow made me aware that my body would be a sexualized object. I remember feeling self-conscious in a swimsuit at age 7; I remember quitting gymnastics when I learned the girls had to wear leotards and not the shorts and t-shirt I had been coming in to practice; I remember dreading free swim at the pool because the boys would use goggles for other reasons than simply swimming under the water. I remember inadvertently learning about childbirth after thumbing innocently through what I thought what a picture book, yet soon discovering that what was a colorful pictorial of a fetus would emerge from a screaming mother's gaping flower. I remember looking at my unknowing younger brother with jealousy and disdain.  I did not yet know about sex, so after reading this book I thought that all girls would inevitably have to endure childbirth. The images traumatized me; the moment still remains a faded scar. 

Now, as a 31 year old pregnant woman and first timer, I am again reminded of the unwarranted politics that accompany being in this body. I remain humble and receive advice with an open mind. Yet, I find myself constantly having to shelve that inner voice that wants to tell some people to fuck off. What is it about women's bodies that make people compelled to give their two cents?


I've been told time and time again that I am too sensitive. And although I have denied this many times for fear of succumbing to an undesirable truth about myself, I now understand and I am learning to accept it. Sensitivity is not weakness. 

Most of it is Shit

I just reread over this blog as I often do when I remember I have it. I realize I was brave for posting any of this because most of it is shit.

I also realize my head was stuck in the clouds. I am now down here on earth, and I much prefer the view of things from up in the sky.